So, one of the most important things to me is being in shape. When I'm not in shape I feel lazy, lethargic, ugly, uninspired and generally unattractive. I'm currently not in shape. I used to work out at least once a day, sometimes twice a day. There have been a lot of changes and upheavals in my life (e.g. moving twice, making the decision not to return to school so I could work full time and pursue acting, relationships, etc.) and generally, I'm the type of person that tends to handle stressful situations by taking a nap. I'm not a confrontational person, I'm a peacemaker. So when it comes to confronting myself about my own shortcomings and bad habits, I let myself down easy because heaven forbid I get angry with myself. I don't like being angry, I think it's completely unproductive. Besides, this book I've been reading says I need to comfort the 'inner child' within and stop criticizing myself because really, on the inside, I'm still a hopeful little 4 year old girl with a skinned knee and a tear in her Sunday dress, desperate for approval.
Now, whether or not you're on board with the whole 'connecting to your inner child' idea or not, I do firmly believe there is something to be said for approving of yourself. Honestly, how many of you out there get up in the morning, go to the mirror and say, "Wow! I sure am attractive! I absolutely love everything about myself." Probably not many of you. And for those of you who do, send me a message on how to bottle your optimism and I will make you a very generous offer.
For years and years I've battled with a voice in my head that told me I needed to be just a little bit more skinny and a little bit less curvy. Let's call that voice Degrading Danielle. Danielle thinks that if I ever want to be an actress, I should have a thinner face, skinnier hips and a perfect smile. Danielle thinks that if I ever want my talent to shine on stage, I have to get rid of my physical distractions like my curvy hips and chest. Danielle thinks that I should be a standard size to fit the standard dress, and every day that I neglect to work out or eat right is an absolute and utter failure which just sends her over the edge and oh she just hammers into me. Danielle constantly compares herself to other girls and can very easily sink into depression if she feels inadequate.
Then there's Approving Anne. She looks in the mirror and sees a beautiful girl, loved and admired and tremendously talented. She encourages me each and every day that it's a good thing I'm different, and that the worst thing I could do would be to try to be like someone else. She laughs in the face of failure and just says, "Oh well! Now what did we learn?" She is bold and creative, and always has something insightful to say. She is however, lazy as all get out. She would rather stay in bed than get up early in the morning to do her yoga. When she's bored she likes to snack on things, which really pisses off Danielle, who says that being too accepting and approving is just a recipe for mediocrity, and that if Ellyn ever wants to get anywhere she needs to start taking serious action and beat herself down every day until she gets the message that she's simply not ready. Danielle is fed up with Ellyn and thinks she should give up on her dream. Anne quietly stands in the corner, smiling and saying,"Tomorrow is a brand new day with no mistakes in it."
I got the idea of naming the voices in my head from a fellow blogger, Stella, whose latest entries inspired me to make this one. So who do I listen to? I try to appease them both, but I've found that just getting up and moving is the swiftest way to see things clearly and think like only Ellyn can think. Working out has become my outlet, and it's incredible how much better, how much more alive I feel.
I did an hour and a half of yoga two days ago, walked for an hour yesterday, and did another 30 minute cardio workout today. I pampered myself last night and treated my hair to a coconut oil masque. This morning my skin is clearer than it's been in weeks, and my hair seems to be happy too.
What about you? What's your outlet? And what kind of voices do you listen to every day?
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